by Dennis M. Myers, 04/15/2022
I amaze myself with my ability to remain quick witted and funny during meetings. To bring smiles and laughter to people. Even I find myself enjoying the interactions. Yet when the meeting ends, the screens go blank, it all evaporates like a fine mist on a hot summer day, and I am left empty. It's the emptiness that comes from loss. Personal loss. My Mom, My Dad, and Aunt, two first cousins, and the son of another cousin. All taken by Covid in '20 and '21. I sit here writing this dreading the long awaited memorial for one of my lost first cousins. He was the one who had also been one of my closest friends through high school. I'll be surrounded by family, all ready to argue about vaccines and politics. I dread it. I'm tired of arguing. Not done fighting, but I am just tired of the stupidity that is the hallmark of today's politics. Especially when it comes to the vaccine conspiracy theories. Look, I'm not going to sit here and say my cousin would still be alive if he had been vaccinated, but you know he would have stood a better chance if his body had been trained for the fight.
Mom's ashes are still in a box on the shelf in the living room. We'll do a memorial soon. Just going to put her into the garden. Let something nice grow.
Dad's ashes were taken by my brother and a few cousins up to the family cabins and spread out. Didn't have enough warning to attend. Not going to start a fight about it, but it left me feeling empty. I should have been there. A week's warning would have been enough.
So I sit here with four novels in the 100,000 word range. Rejections piled up. Rewriting is supposed to be happening on the one I think has the most potential to actually be published. But I go weeks at a time without writing. Weeks at a time where I do nothing more than track my lack of progress in my stupid spreadsheet.
Tomorrow I am building a bench or two for my wife. Walking the dog, grocery shopping, and if I can get myself to do it, working on the rewrite.
We shall see.
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